Recalibration Code Guided Sessions
Then Go to the Chapter Content Below
Each Session Overview is recorded if you want to listen to it. It will be the same or similar to the book. Any changes will always be an improvement and eventually make their way into the book. The “After the session” part from each chapter is also recorded and will be under the main guided session below.
Chapter 12 – Bridge
1. Start here
SESSION OVERVIEW
Every other application session in this book has worked with a single system — yours. The library being updated has been your library. Charlie and Dai receiving the new calibrations have been your Charlie and Dai.
This session acknowledges something the chapter made explicit: in close relationships, the loop runs between two systems, not just inside one. Your patterns interact with theirs. The updates filed here will show up not just in your individual responses — they’ll show up in the dynamic between you, because the other person’s system will receive different input, and Dais update from evidence.
The session works with three things. First, your relational identity — the person you want to be in this relationship under pressure, installed as a library entry. Second, both sides of the pursue/withdraw dynamic — including what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the phrase that’s hardest to hear. Third, the five Connection Code phrases — installed as felt states Dai can reach for when the pressure is on.
The phrases are where this session does its most precise work. Each one means something distinct, and the distinction matters. This session installs that distinction in the body — so the person speaking knows what they’re asking for, and the person receiving knows what’s being offered.
Come to this session having written the identity sentence and identified your position in the pursue/withdraw dynamic. Also note which of the five phrases is hardest for you to say — and which is hardest for you to receive. Both matter. The session works with both.
Before you begin, have your Chapter 4 anchor word ready — the word you chose to carry the quality of that first library visit. You will use it at the door.
Estimated total time: 30–34 minutes (6–8 minutes written, 24–26 minutes audio).
2. Then answer the questions…
Q1: The relationship: The relationship this session is working with — the one where the pattern runs most reliably. Name them.
Q2: The identity sentence: The person you want to be in this relationship when it’s under pressure. Write it again here.
Q3: Your position in the dynamic: When tension arrives in this relationship: do you move towards it (pursue) or away from it (withdraw)? One word.
Q4: Hardest to say / hardest to receive: Look at the five phrases below. Which is hardest for you to say? Which is hardest for you to hear from the other person? They may be the same phrase or different ones. Note both.
- I need space — and I’ll come back to this at [specific time]. Don’t take it personally.
- I want to talk without any input — just listen.
- I want to talk it through, then hear your thoughts.
- I need a change of scenery before we talk.
- I just want to be present with you right now — nothing to discuss.
As a dad, knowing these phrases helped me when my daughter was a teenager. Often, she just wanted to talk, without advice, without a lesson. Sometimes she just wanted a hug. My daughter made these phrases one of the most important connection tools we have. You can learn more about them in my book The Connection Code!
Bring the answers with you. The session works with the phrase that’s hardest to receive as much as the one that’s hardest to say.
3. Now Listen to the Guided Session
4. And the Ending
Before moving, write down the phrase that was hardest to receive, and the one sentence that describes what it means, as opposed to what Dai used to make it mean. That distinction, written down and visible, is evidence Dai can reach for the next time the phrase arrives.
The practice for this session is simple: use one phrase this week. Not in a difficult moment necessarily. The fifth phrase, ‘I just want to be present with you,’ can be said in an entirely ordinary evening. That’s a filing. Dai doesn’t distinguish between high-stakes usage and ordinary usage. Both count toward what the shared library holds.
For pursuers specifically: the next time the first phrase arrives from the other person, notice the Safety state activation. Then find the timeframe in what was said. If no timeframe was given, ask for one — not as a challenge, but as a genuine request for information your system needs. ‘When do you think you’ll be ready to come back to this?’ is a question that gives both systems something to work with. It might be an hour. It might be a few days. Learn to be ok with it either way.
Return to this session before anticipated difficult conversations — the ones both people know are coming. Installing the phrases and the recalibrated position before entering the conversation is easier than reaching for them once the activation is already running.
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